Aaron Swartz's thoughts

"In moments of great emotional stress, we revert to our worst habits: we dig in and fight harder. The real trick is not to get better at fighting — it’s to get better at stopping ourselves: at taking a deep breath, calming down, and letting our better natures take over from our worst instincts."

Raw Nerve

Big Words

I am in no mood to build up to the point. Mostly because I write pointless things. I believe most writers are so bored, that they come up with weird ideas. Like I was just aimless-ly staring out of my window. My window showed me a tree. Battered by the fall, yet to be renovated by spring. It had not a single leaf that I could see from the distance. It is tall and leafless and madly branched. The branch ramifications were endless. The crazy branching looked like open nerve endings to me. But why open nerve endings? That's stupid. And I am sure some writer would think of it to be a metaphor to some strange crap. Then somebody would write a really complicated piece on it. What's with big words? Big words are hard to pronounce and nobody uses them in conversations anyway. And when people use these big difficult words in their writings, 90% of the mass would close the book after a few pages and never return to it. Some major enthusiast might finish it though. But that's only 10% of the mass. Or less. For example, the words they make us memorize to crack exams like GRE, (That's an exam you have to take to study in the USA.) no matter where you come from ,you take the test. I did too. 50% of the words were hard to remember and are hardly used ever, and the system insists that we know them for qualifying. There's no harm in increasing your vocabulary, but to make it essential to pass an exam (the vocabulary accounts for 50% of the exam)makes not a lot of sense to me. Honestly, I haven't found a single American who would understand me if I start talking using those big words. Maybe somewhere in Britain these exam skills would come in handy, but not anywhere else I guess. Well what do I know.

Chicken wings

The gentleman who bought me my chicken wings dinner tonight (who has delivered food to my place a couple of times), asked me quickly after handing me the food, "sister, are you from Pakistan or India" I replied. And then he told me stories of how he is from Iraq and lived in Pakistan as a refugee for 9 years! And then before quickly leaving, he smiled and said, ok, take care sister, good night! And rushed off. Don't know, there was something so different in that man. In his smile.

etc

Before you know, it's much too late!
I want to run back to those days of watching Dexter's laboratory all day, reading comic books and goofing around in the summer heat!with your grandparents freaked out at your dangerous bicycle riding techniques and styles and neighbor aunties scowling at the ball I hit straight for a "six" but broke something.... there was a thing to it.
i miss all that. my people getting annoyed at my "unhealthy" love for cartoon network and comic books, my sister bothered about my grammatical errors and how I refused to wear anything feminine! How all that annoyed me. and how I wish days today were as easy.
big worries were if my friend had completed the "tazo" collection, or if I missed out a few minutes of "small wonder" or is it already 7, because I can hear my mother threatening to take some dangerous measures if I don't return for home ASAP!
Things are not meant to be simple always. These were so complex then. Maybe complex things now will be dealt with and I can rest in peace.

crying out

i seriously don't know what's wrong with me.
i always though very confidently that i can't go mad.
but i guess it's finally happening.
the fact that i know that i'm going mad, doesn't defy the fact that i seriously AM going mad.
i have lost it all.

state of emergency

have you ever tried google-ing some painless ways of committing suicide? i hope not. but if u do, you'll see some weird pages. there will be pages, where some failed suicide attempters will ask you to change your mind. there'll be people asking you to seek the "light of God", some asking you to think about the people you are leaving behind(really now! why would i die if there was something that really needed my presence) and still more people who will try to counsel you for a better state of mind. and you think..now even Google doesn't help! this place is not worth living now.
Well i exaggerated (I am suicidal, i can rattle off whatever.). I did find some relevant pages too. But none of them were cool for me. Seriously, I don't need some random idea of a nincompoop. i don't have a gun. i don't want neither fire nor water to end me like that. Jumping off a cliff is not a 100% guaranteed killer. I don't qualify for euthanasia (though I'm personally convinced that I do), cutting the wrist,popping pills...so stupid. i wanted something different.
i am looking for ideas. this is for a project report. so please don't think otherwise.

wishy -washy?

You have become a reason. You have become a meaning. You are an answer now. You put sense to many things. You make me. I am irrevocably in love.
I never questioned you. But I wanted to know. You never told me. But you became the explanation.
Why and how, that escapes me. Did I ever contrive this with you? Did I have this in mind. No. I guess not. But it became what it should be. Without a doubt.
How is this for you? How do you think now? What do you feel? What goes into that mind? What has become of me? It seems pretty amazing, yeah!
When I look out for you, I want you right here. I won’t care about the world. Won’t look back, not once. Just call me. Don’t leave. Take me along.
See you, hear you, touch you, feel you, in every bit of my life, rejoice you, take me in you, in whatever you think, write, wonder, hear, see, smell, smile, laugh, be…
I am irrevocably in love.
It’s pretty awesome!

thank you

when things mean nothing really. but still they make some changes in your mind. when you leave things like snake callously shed it's skin.....it kind of kills.
nothing in particular, this.
I'll always remember that you were not there when I really needed a friend. how you didn't bother when I was crying. how you just continued killing me when I was living with you.
I'll never forget you, even if you forget me.
I'll always remember the things I went through, and you were standing nearby, not bothered.
I wonder why I never had the luxury of a friend.

random?

So what do you do when you feel bad? like really bad. totally shitty. and mad. and confused. and tormented. and...bad? what do you do?

• feel like placing a 0.32 pistol on the side of the head, over the ear, and shoot at point blank range? finishing it totally? all of it?

nah. that the family won't like. they might feel bad. they already have the previous year's marksheets to grieve over.

• feel like killing the cause? placing a pistol on the cause and killing it from any given range?

nah. jails are scary. plus i fear the ghost might haunt.

then what? talk about it?
but to whom? for that you need a friend. a friend in someone.
you don't have that luxury? aww!
so what?
don't know. for now, trying YOGA!

so much for true love

there is so much more to this. there is so much more she would comfort herself. this is not everything.
so what if she drew her dreams using her favourite colours and he never apreciated the canvas? so what if she had never heard his voice, still it was the best music she could imagine? so what if they never talked, she still listened to all he said. so what if she was mad enough to try her madness? so what? there was more to it. she assured herself.
he would lift her above everybody else, above the entire world, he would colour all her dreams the way she wanted them colured,he heard her voice above all the noise the world would make, he would take her to the world where she belonged with him, he took her up there, right up above the horizon, beyond which nobody could ever enter, he took her to a world she wanted to see, he took her to places she wanted to be taken, where nobody went, nobody saw. he took her in his arms, and she belonged there. they didn't derprive each other their presence. they kept the promise. ah! love is it?
no.
they were in a world, where we all dwell for a while. a world we all love for a while. and later we know that it's dumb and stupid.
true love, they say, makes the world complete. it is powerful. it is a force we all love. but can we keep it without making it just a keepsake? it's difficult. true love! it's beautiful!

I wonder how, I wonder why.......

Now on retrospection, my life, all my "theories" and fundamentals, all that I thought seems to be messed up. Actually, it was done in the wrong style. Not my style.
The point that I'm trying to make here is, that, I could never muster up the courage, to do my own thing, play my own music. That sucks. How can I not even dare to think my style? How can I be such a chicken? Though it was never clear to me, but now I know. My brain is highly influenced by what others think is right, what others feel, and how others see things. Can a human being be any more insane? Insaner?
Nobody can play "you" better than you. And it's all like the fingerprinting region in spectroscopy, or rather the fingerprints of our fingers. No two people are alike. Still there is a stupid competition.
"Imagination is more important than knowledge." said our beloved Albert Einstein. Very cool sir! You are a genius, they were right all along.
I want to be what I think. I want to think.
What is the most powerful external force that acts upon my brain? not gravity. not organic chemistry. It's something very insignificant, it's the common people I hate. yes, they influence my mind more than anything! such a moron I am!
Now that i understand what was going wrong with my formulating the life fundas, I'm still caught on a middle ground. why. that's because I'm not always right. I don't always see through things like they way it should be seen. I have my brain already occupied with so much that I can't make space to peep at the larger angle, the better view is somehow blocked.
I have to clear it for myself.
"Everybody's always talking at me Everybody's trying to get in my head I wanna listen to my own heart talking I need to count on myself instead."
How? can I actually cut myself from everything and become a monk?
Yes. I'll be the monk who'll buy a Ferrari! My style! Totally!

nothing really

what if i knew how to create the most complex of computer stuff like in the sci-fi movies, or maybe drive at 300 miles/hour on a busy highway, zip-zap-zoom, or know how to jump off from highest of cliffs and land safely on the ground, or never land and just keep on flying? what if i knew how to write well, what if my hands knew how to express what's in my heart and what's on my mind?

immaterial. period.

it's strange how my heart reacts. no, it's just human. I'm a bad human. no matter how much I tell myself about myself, what prevails on is what I actually am. that's one thing you can't fake, you can't escape. yourself. or can we? i couldn't.
I believe that a man is not one man. he's two men. like they said in Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.
I am many persons.
I am someone I don't want to be, but enjoy being.
I am someone I'm not, but I live that a lot for the world. for the world expects.
I am someone I aspire to be, but I'm not that yet.
I'm someone I think nobody can like, but then that me doesn't care.


the world is just made up of the two charges. positive and negative. that kind of sums up the world, the universe, the entire order. it has so much order. so much regularity. it's all tuned.
so about the charges, ya, they total everything. they denote the balance.
the world is balanced.
chaos is all in the mind.
peace.

here and there

• “Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
• “We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly”
• You cannot find true love Where it does not truly exist And you cannot hide it where it truly does - The movie ...."kissing a fool"
• Will you love me for the rest of my life? No, I'll love you for the rest of mine. - From the movie Phenomenon
• I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it that you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. - Ten Things I Hate About You
• "Don't forget. I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy...asking him to love her." - Notting Hill
• And think not you can guide the course of love. For love, if it finds you worthy, shall guide your course.
• "The only wrong thing would be to deny what your heart truly feels" - THE MASK OF ZORRO
• "When you realise You want to spend The rest of your life with somebody, You want the rest of your life To start as soon as possible". - When Harry Met Sally

a poem by Gurudev!

When I Asked God for Strength
He Gave Me Difficult Situations to Face

When I Asked God for Brain & Brown
He Gave Me Puzzles in Life to Solve

When I Asked God for Happiness
He Showed Me Some Unhappy People

When I Asked God for Wealth
He Showed Me How to Work Hard

When I Asked God for Favors
He Showed Me Opportunities to Work Hard

When I Asked God for Peace
He Showed Me How to Help Others

God Gave Me Nothing I Wanted
He Gave Me Everything I Needed


- Swami Vivekananda

The needed fire

He was looking for something
He wound up seeing everything

They say, all that glitters is not gold. But I think gold can take time to glitter maybe. It will glitter.

The Guru tells them everything, the Prophet could foresee it all, the best words of wisdom given out, and the congregation was pleased. The world didn't bother much.

Then some smoke, some wails, bodies being exhumed from beneath the rubble, shattered lives. The jihadis planted a bomb, did it in the name of God. The Gurus and Prophets still hold these sessions of "finding the Almighty". The congregation is unmoved. The world still doesn't care.

You don't feel the heat of it,you don't realize the impact, you just don't know. Because it didn't touch you. It was yet another "breaking news" for you.
But to those who faced the trauma, the tears don't dry up easily, the dead don't come back, the horror refuses to leave your mind, the ashes don't just blow away.

Let it happen. Let a new fire wake up from these ashes. Let it burn with all it's might. This fire is much needed. This fire is called for.

Let it save my country. Let it now heal the world.

Layla

Full near I came unto where dwelleth
Layla, when I heard her call.
That voice, would I might ever hear it!
She favored me, and drew me to her,
Took me in, into her precinct,
With discourse intimate addressed me.
She sat me by her, then came closer,
Raised the cloak that hid her from me,
Made me marvel to distraction,
Bewildered me with all her beauty.
She took me and amazed me,
And hid me in her inmost self,
Until I thought that she was I,
And my life she took as ransom.
She changed me and transfigured me,
And marked me with her special sign,
Pressed me to her, put me from her,
Named me as she is named.
Having slain and crumbled me,
She steeped the fragments in her blood.
Then, after my death, she raised me:
My star shines in her firmament.
Where is my life, and where my body,
Where my willful soul? From her
The truth of these shone out to me
Secrets that had been hidden from me.
Mine eyes have never seen but her:
To naught else can they testify.
All meanings in her are comprised.
Glory be to her Creator!
Thou that beauty wouldst describe,
Here is something of her brightness
Take it from me. It is my art.
Think it not idle vanity.
My Heart lied not when it divulged
The secret of my meeting her.
If nearness unto her effaceth,
I still subsist in her substance.

Ahmad al-Alawi

Timeline (1869 - 1934)

Abu-Said Abil-Kheir

My Beloved, don't be heartless with me.
Your Presence is my only cure.
How can I be left with neither a heart, nor my Beloved?
Either return my heart, or do not deny me
Your Presence.

Omar Khayyam

There was a Door to which I found no Key:
There was a Veil through which I could not see:
Some little Talk awhile of Me and Thee
There seemed -- and then no more of Thee and Me.

motto to which Roald Dahl lived

" My candle burns at both end
It may not last the night
But ah! my foes and oh! my friends
It gives a wonderful light"

ooooohhhhh Adams Sir! what lyrics!

To really love a woman
To understand her - you gotta know her deep inside
Hear every thought - see every dream
N' give her wings - when she wants to fly
Then when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms
Ya know ya really love a woman

When you love a woman you tell her
that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
Cuz she needs somebody to tell her
that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
- really really ever loved a woman?

To really love a woman
Let her hold you -
til ya know how she needs to be touched
You've gotta breathe her - really taste her
Til you can feel her in your blood
N' when you can see your unborn children in her eyes
Ya know ya really love a woman


When you love a woman
you tell her that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
Cuz she needs somebody to tell her
that you'll always be together
So tell me have you ever really -
really really ever loved a woman?

You got to give her some faith - hold her tight
A little tenderness - gotta treat her right
She will be there for you, takin' good care of you
Ya really gotta love your woman...

And when you find yourself liying helpless in her arms
you know you really love a woman

When you love a woman you tell her
that she's really wanted
When you love a woman you tell her that she's the one
Cuz she needs somebody to tell her
that it's gonna last forever
So tell me have you ever really
- really really ever loved a woman?

just tell me have you ever reall -
really really ever loved a woman

ohh
just tell me have you ever reall -
really really ever loved a woman