Aaron Swartz's thoughts

"In moments of great emotional stress, we revert to our worst habits: we dig in and fight harder. The real trick is not to get better at fighting — it’s to get better at stopping ourselves: at taking a deep breath, calming down, and letting our better natures take over from our worst instincts."

Raw Nerve

Big Words

I am in no mood to build up to the point. Mostly because I write pointless things. I believe most writers are so bored, that they come up with weird ideas. Like I was just aimless-ly staring out of my window. My window showed me a tree. Battered by the fall, yet to be renovated by spring. It had not a single leaf that I could see from the distance. It is tall and leafless and madly branched. The branch ramifications were endless. The crazy branching looked like open nerve endings to me. But why open nerve endings? That's stupid. And I am sure some writer would think of it to be a metaphor to some strange crap. Then somebody would write a really complicated piece on it. What's with big words? Big words are hard to pronounce and nobody uses them in conversations anyway. And when people use these big difficult words in their writings, 90% of the mass would close the book after a few pages and never return to it. Some major enthusiast might finish it though. But that's only 10% of the mass. Or less. For example, the words they make us memorize to crack exams like GRE, (That's an exam you have to take to study in the USA.) no matter where you come from ,you take the test. I did too. 50% of the words were hard to remember and are hardly used ever, and the system insists that we know them for qualifying. There's no harm in increasing your vocabulary, but to make it essential to pass an exam (the vocabulary accounts for 50% of the exam)makes not a lot of sense to me. Honestly, I haven't found a single American who would understand me if I start talking using those big words. Maybe somewhere in Britain these exam skills would come in handy, but not anywhere else I guess. Well what do I know.

Chicken wings

The gentleman who bought me my chicken wings dinner tonight (who has delivered food to my place a couple of times), asked me quickly after handing me the food, "sister, are you from Pakistan or India" I replied. And then he told me stories of how he is from Iraq and lived in Pakistan as a refugee for 9 years! And then before quickly leaving, he smiled and said, ok, take care sister, good night! And rushed off. Don't know, there was something so different in that man. In his smile.

etc

Before you know, it's much too late!
I want to run back to those days of watching Dexter's laboratory all day, reading comic books and goofing around in the summer heat!with your grandparents freaked out at your dangerous bicycle riding techniques and styles and neighbor aunties scowling at the ball I hit straight for a "six" but broke something.... there was a thing to it.
i miss all that. my people getting annoyed at my "unhealthy" love for cartoon network and comic books, my sister bothered about my grammatical errors and how I refused to wear anything feminine! How all that annoyed me. and how I wish days today were as easy.
big worries were if my friend had completed the "tazo" collection, or if I missed out a few minutes of "small wonder" or is it already 7, because I can hear my mother threatening to take some dangerous measures if I don't return for home ASAP!
Things are not meant to be simple always. These were so complex then. Maybe complex things now will be dealt with and I can rest in peace.

crying out

i seriously don't know what's wrong with me.
i always though very confidently that i can't go mad.
but i guess it's finally happening.
the fact that i know that i'm going mad, doesn't defy the fact that i seriously AM going mad.
i have lost it all.

state of emergency

have you ever tried google-ing some painless ways of committing suicide? i hope not. but if u do, you'll see some weird pages. there will be pages, where some failed suicide attempters will ask you to change your mind. there'll be people asking you to seek the "light of God", some asking you to think about the people you are leaving behind(really now! why would i die if there was something that really needed my presence) and still more people who will try to counsel you for a better state of mind. and you think..now even Google doesn't help! this place is not worth living now.
Well i exaggerated (I am suicidal, i can rattle off whatever.). I did find some relevant pages too. But none of them were cool for me. Seriously, I don't need some random idea of a nincompoop. i don't have a gun. i don't want neither fire nor water to end me like that. Jumping off a cliff is not a 100% guaranteed killer. I don't qualify for euthanasia (though I'm personally convinced that I do), cutting the wrist,popping pills...so stupid. i wanted something different.
i am looking for ideas. this is for a project report. so please don't think otherwise.

wishy -washy?

You have become a reason. You have become a meaning. You are an answer now. You put sense to many things. You make me. I am irrevocably in love.
I never questioned you. But I wanted to know. You never told me. But you became the explanation.
Why and how, that escapes me. Did I ever contrive this with you? Did I have this in mind. No. I guess not. But it became what it should be. Without a doubt.
How is this for you? How do you think now? What do you feel? What goes into that mind? What has become of me? It seems pretty amazing, yeah!
When I look out for you, I want you right here. I won’t care about the world. Won’t look back, not once. Just call me. Don’t leave. Take me along.
See you, hear you, touch you, feel you, in every bit of my life, rejoice you, take me in you, in whatever you think, write, wonder, hear, see, smell, smile, laugh, be…
I am irrevocably in love.
It’s pretty awesome!