crying out

i seriously don't know what's wrong with me.
i always though very confidently that i can't go mad.
but i guess it's finally happening.
the fact that i know that i'm going mad, doesn't defy the fact that i seriously AM going mad.
i have lost it all.

state of emergency

have you ever tried google-ing some painless ways of committing suicide? i hope not. but if u do, you'll see some weird pages. there will be pages, where some failed suicide attempters will ask you to change your mind. there'll be people asking you to seek the "light of God", some asking you to think about the people you are leaving behind(really now! why would i die if there was something that really needed my presence) and still more people who will try to counsel you for a better state of mind. and you think..now even Google doesn't help! this place is not worth living now.
Well i exaggerated (I am suicidal, i can rattle off whatever.). I did find some relevant pages too. But none of them were cool for me. Seriously, I don't need some random idea of a nincompoop. i don't have a gun. i don't want neither fire nor water to end me like that. Jumping off a cliff is not a 100% guaranteed killer. I don't qualify for euthanasia (though I'm personally convinced that I do), cutting the wrist,popping pills...so stupid. i wanted something different.
i am looking for ideas. this is for a project report. so please don't think otherwise.

wishy -washy?

You have become a reason. You have become a meaning. You are an answer now. You put sense to many things. You make me. I am irrevocably in love.
I never questioned you. But I wanted to know. You never told me. But you became the explanation.
Why and how, that escapes me. Did I ever contrive this with you? Did I have this in mind. No. I guess not. But it became what it should be. Without a doubt.
How is this for you? How do you think now? What do you feel? What goes into that mind? What has become of me? It seems pretty amazing, yeah!
When I look out for you, I want you right here. I won’t care about the world. Won’t look back, not once. Just call me. Don’t leave. Take me along.
See you, hear you, touch you, feel you, in every bit of my life, rejoice you, take me in you, in whatever you think, write, wonder, hear, see, smell, smile, laugh, be…
I am irrevocably in love.
It’s pretty awesome!

thank you

when things mean nothing really. but still they make some changes in your mind. when you leave things like snake callously shed it's skin.....it kind of kills.
nothing in particular, this.
I'll always remember that you were not there when I really needed a friend. how you didn't bother when I was crying. how you just continued killing me when I was living with you.
I'll never forget you, even if you forget me.
I'll always remember the things I went through, and you were standing nearby, not bothered.
I wonder why I never had the luxury of a friend.

random?

So what do you do when you feel bad? like really bad. totally shitty. and mad. and confused. and tormented. and...bad? what do you do?

• feel like placing a 0.32 pistol on the side of the head, over the ear, and shoot at point blank range? finishing it totally? all of it?

nah. that the family won't like. they might feel bad. they already have the previous year's marksheets to grieve over.

• feel like killing the cause? placing a pistol on the cause and killing it from any given range?

nah. jails are scary. plus i fear the ghost might haunt.

then what? talk about it?
but to whom? for that you need a friend. a friend in someone.
you don't have that luxury? aww!
so what?
don't know. for now, trying YOGA!

so much for true love

there is so much more to this. there is so much more she would comfort herself. this is not everything.
so what if she drew her dreams using her favourite colours and he never apreciated the canvas? so what if she had never heard his voice, still it was the best music she could imagine? so what if they never talked, she still listened to all he said. so what if she was mad enough to try her madness? so what? there was more to it. she assured herself.
he would lift her above everybody else, above the entire world, he would colour all her dreams the way she wanted them colured,he heard her voice above all the noise the world would make, he would take her to the world where she belonged with him, he took her up there, right up above the horizon, beyond which nobody could ever enter, he took her to a world she wanted to see, he took her to places she wanted to be taken, where nobody went, nobody saw. he took her in his arms, and she belonged there. they didn't derprive each other their presence. they kept the promise. ah! love is it?
no.
they were in a world, where we all dwell for a while. a world we all love for a while. and later we know that it's dumb and stupid.
true love, they say, makes the world complete. it is powerful. it is a force we all love. but can we keep it without making it just a keepsake? it's difficult. true love! it's beautiful!

I wonder how, I wonder why.......

Now on retrospection, my life, all my "theories" and fundamentals, all that I thought seems to be messed up. Actually, it was done in the wrong style. Not my style.
The point that I'm trying to make here is, that, I could never muster up the courage, to do my own thing, play my own music. That sucks. How can I not even dare to think my style? How can I be such a chicken? Though it was never clear to me, but now I know. My brain is highly influenced by what others think is right, what others feel, and how others see things. Can a human being be any more insane? Insaner?
Nobody can play "you" better than you. And it's all like the fingerprinting region in spectroscopy, or rather the fingerprints of our fingers. No two people are alike. Still there is a stupid competition.
"Imagination is more important than knowledge." said our beloved Albert Einstein. Very cool sir! You are a genius, they were right all along.
I want to be what I think. I want to think.
What is the most powerful external force that acts upon my brain? not gravity. not organic chemistry. It's something very insignificant, it's the common people I hate. yes, they influence my mind more than anything! such a moron I am!
Now that i understand what was going wrong with my formulating the life fundas, I'm still caught on a middle ground. why. that's because I'm not always right. I don't always see through things like they way it should be seen. I have my brain already occupied with so much that I can't make space to peep at the larger angle, the better view is somehow blocked.
I have to clear it for myself.
"Everybody's always talking at me Everybody's trying to get in my head I wanna listen to my own heart talking I need to count on myself instead."
How? can I actually cut myself from everything and become a monk?
Yes. I'll be the monk who'll buy a Ferrari! My style! Totally!